10 Questions to ask Yourself When Entering a Polyamorous Relationship

Feb 2

Deciding to enter a polyamorous relationship can be an exciting (and scary!) new phase of your love life, with lots of things to consider before taking the plunge. Although we can’t be 100% prepared for everything that will come up when we begin a poly relationship, there are a few things to consider and think through to help yourself enter this new relationship structure with more confidence and clarity.

Whether you’re taking this step on your own or with a current partner, there are several questions to ask yourself when entering a polyamorous relationship. Read on to see some of the questions recommended by a poly-friendly therapist in Indiana:

10 Questions to Ask Yourself When Entering a Polyamorous Relationship

1) Is there a polyamorous therapist near me who can help if things get rough?

Starting a poly relationship can bring up lots of emotions, triggers, and past traumas. This can be true for anyone, regardless of whether you’ve experienced relationship problems in previously or current relationships. Some of the most common things I hear as a poly friendly therapist are jealousy, insecurity, attachment wounding, and trauma triggers around fear of abandonment and infidelity. Polyamory friendly therapists can help you understand these experiences without shaming you, judging you, or questioning your relationship orientation.

2) Do I have the coping skills to manage insecurity, anxiety, or jealousy in open relationships?

Jealousy, anxiety, and insecurity are incredibly common experiences for people in polyamory, open relationships, and ethical non-monogamy. Coping skills can help you manage these feelings when they show up, which can help create a more trusting, stable, and secure environment within your relationship(s). Some coping skills include going to regular poly friendly therapy, mindfulness exercises, taking care of your body with physical activity, setting healthy boundaries, advocating for your needs and desires, and making sure you’re developing your personal identity outside of your relationship.

3) How much time do I have to give to multiple partners?

One thing that many people in poly relationships experience is having lots of love to give, but not enough time to give it. With our ever-increasing busyness and hectic schedules—between work, family, school, social lives, hobbies, and more—it can be difficult to find enough time to give to multiple romantic or intimate partners. Before entering a poly relationship, be mindful and realistic about how much time you actually have to give to multiple partners, and be upfront with potential and current partners about your capacity before it becomes a sticking point in your relationship.

4) How much emotional capacity do I have for polyamory?

Sometimes, the inverse of the previous question can be true: some people have enough time for multiple partners, but they’ve got low emotional capacity or low spoons, and may or may not have the energy to devote to multiple partners at a time. Before entering a poly relationship, be mindful and realistic about how much emotional, physical, and mental energy and have to give to multiple partners, and if at all possible, be upfront and transparent with potential and current partners about your capacity before it becomes an issue.

5) How do I want to make sure I’m still prioritizing myself and my independence when I have multiple partners or playmates?

New relationships are exciting, invigorating, anxiety-inducing, and life-giving. They’re also places where many people can “lose” themselves and their own interests, hobbies, desires, and needs. When entering a poly relationship, make sure you’re committing not just to your partner(s), but also to yourself. Take yourself out on solo dates, stay involved in your independent social activities, prioritize your mental health with a polyamory friendly therapist, schedule down-time for yourself, and build a supportive poly friendly community who can provide validation and reassurance when things get difficult.

Additionally, if you’re already in a relationship, there are questions to discuss with your partner when entering a polyamorous relationship:

6) What type of relationship hierarchy or structure do we want?

When opening a relationship, some couples decide they want to have a hierarchical relationship structure—that is, they determine that they want to have primary, secondary, tertiary, and comet partners. These can also be thought of as anchor partners, committed partners, playmates, and comets. Each partner fulfills a particular role in a person’s life, and the amount of time or energy spent on each partner may depend on the hierarchy. Some people find this structure too limiting or disrespectful to non-primary partners, while others find comfort in understanding where they “land” within someone else’s priorities. This is a relationship style that requires care, consideration, and respectful consent from all involved. This style may also require lots of open communication and compromise between partners.

Other couples decide they want to try a non-hierarchical relationship style, sometimes referred to as relationship anarchy. This is a relationship structure where no partner is elevated in status or priority over another, and each partner may move in and out of various categories or levels of emotional and time investment. Many non-hierarchical couples decide to nest (live together) while others decide to live independently and remain committed to each other.

In each of these relationship structures, partners may decide to marry or not, live together or not, raise children separately or together, co-habitate with more than two partners as a polycule, and more. There are many options to consider and you and your partner(s) should make sure you’re all discussing what feels best for each of you, and coming to agreements based on those discussions.

Because those discussions can take a lot of compromise and bring up a lot of feeling, it can be helpful to have a poly friendly therapist to help make sense of your emotions as you figure it out.

7) What are our boundaries, agreements, and non-negotiables?

Many poly couples decide they want to have agreements, boundaries, and non-negotiables in place before opening their relationships. Some things to consider when discussing boundaries, agreements, and non-negotiables include:

When and how often we do schedule our date nights?
Do we agree on having metamours come to our shared home? How do we schedule this?
How do we each pay for dates with our other partners? Does the money come out of our shared finances, or do we pay from our own “fun money”?
How much information are we comfortable sharing about our relationship with other people? And have we checked in with other partners about how much information they’re comfortable having shared?
How do we want to talk about and handling our discomfort with the partners of our partner (also known as metamours)?
What is the structure of our interrelationships?
How do we self regulate and self sooth when the other person is on a date or out with other partners?
How do we want to practice safer sex? How often do we test for STIs? What do we do if a partner doesn’t use protection with someone else?
How often do we revisit these agreements?

8) What do we consider cheating?

Yes, believe it or not, it IS possible to cheat when you’re polyamorous! Although your definition of cheating may be different from monogamous couples because you’re going to be emotionally, mentally, or physically involved with other partners, it’s still possible to violate relationship agreements, boundaries, or non-negotiables. This will be unique to each partnership, however it’s important that everyone involved has a clear understanding of what their partners consider line-crossing.

Also important to note: if you don’t agree with someone’s definition of cheating—for example, some AMAB individuals determine they’re not comfortable with their AFAB partners having other AMAB partners, or vice versa (known as a one penis policy or one vagina policy)—it’s vital that you and your partner(s) have a clear understanding and discussion around these differences BEFORE opening your relationship. If this is something where you can reach a compromise and agreement, great! You may also wish to seek support in open relationship therapy to explore your personal boundaries and definitions of cheating, and to learn how to talk about this with your partner.

9) How do we make sure we’re still connecting with each other?

When you first open your relationship, you might have a ton of New Relationship Energy (NRE) with new partners. This can sometimes lead your other partner(s) to feel de-prioritized or replaced. Even if this is not at all the case, and you still deeply love and care for one another, it’s vital that you make time to demonstrate this in a consistent and reliable way. Before opening your relationship, make sure you and your current partner talk about how you’ll ensure your connection stays strong, even when NRE shows up.

10 ) Are we each willing to go to poly friendly therapy if our issues become too big to handle on our own?

There is no shame in reaching out for help when you and your partner(s) have problems that you can’t quite solve on your own. For polyamorous individuals, a combination of individual therapy and couples/multi-partner therapy can go a long way in helping you resolve repeated conflict, heal past traumas that are interfering with your current relationships, manage anxiety and insecurity that comes up, and more.

No matter where you are in your journey toward opening your relationship, there are a lot of things to consider and questions to ask before you take the plunge and expand your circle of love.

If you’re thinking about opening your relationship but are scared of taking the first steps, get help from a poly therapist who isn’t going to judge, shame, or question the way you live and love.

I know how hard it can be to find a therapist who not only affirms your polyamorous relationships, but who has a personal understanding of what it’s like to navigate the exciting (and often murky) waters of loving out loud. To find out if I’m the right fit for you and to get started with poly-friendly therapy in Indiana or Florida, schedule your free consultation today.

Megan Kelly